Yesterday was a tough day for us, it felt like we had gone a few steps backwards. In some of my earlier blogs I have mentioned how, at times, I have become uncontrollably emotional, as a result of the damage the bleed has done to my brain, which meant I could not control my emotions and I broke down and cried, and could not calm down or stop crying. This has not happened to me for a long time, however, which had felt great, so I had almost forgotten how it felt to become so exhausted from sobbing over and over again.
I think it is because there are lots of changes coming up on our horizon. Amy has secured a Primary School teaching job here in Cheltenham, which is amazing, and fully deserved! I could not be happier for her, or prouder of her, after everything I've put her through in these last few years. However, it does mean we definitely need to get a bigger place to live in now! Throughout Amy's teacher training course, we, and by we, I mean Amy, seems to have acquired an abundance of cardboard dragons, an endless supply of buttons and an infestation of Sharpies - and that is just in our living room! Living with a Primary School teacher has certainly been an eye-opening experience for me - in fact, I have been tempted, at times, to create an entire Twitter account called "Living with a Primary School teacher," because I have found it such a fascinating experience. I always look forward to hearing the daily tales from Amy of what this or that child has done or said that day, because they are so funny. My mother worked as a teacher, so I was already full of admiration for the work they do. However, that amount of respect has now increased massively because of the work I have seen Amy, and her course mates, put in. I definitely have a new-found level of respect for teachers.
We are also in need of a new car soon as Amy's little Micra appears to be on its last legs unfortunately, which perhaps has not been helped by all of the miles my brain injury has forced it to make to various hospitals, rehabilitation units or doctors appointments. But we are waiting to see how possible it will be for me to drive again in the not-too-distant future, before we make any big decisions. It is all extremely exciting and they are all good things to look forward to, but it does mean there will be change, which is often difficult for me to handle, because you get used to a certain routine.
The flat we currently live in was just meant for little old me, so there were certainly no plans to share it with giant paper dragons, flowers made out of card, or enormous plastic Tetris shapes! But I have made sure they paid their share of the rent, which has helped. Only joking.
I think over the last few years Amy and I have existed in a kind of safe bubble, because the outside world was so dangerous as we associated it with where I became ill; therefore it was not safe for someone like me, with my "restrictions". But over the last few months we have expanded our bubble slightly and started dreaming about making big changes. They include a new place to live, a new car and the new exciting journey of Amy starting her teaching career properly, after my injury delayed it slightly. If I think about all of those things all at once, then all I want to do is lock myself back up in my tiny bubble of a world again and not come out.
But I want to be able to embrace and relish change again, however, at the minute, thanks to the power of routine, which I have spoken of before, right now all I feel is a sense of being overwhelmed and unable to take the first step. I was always an over thinker anyway, which I get from my father - my mother tells me that is why I never slept much as a baby, because my brain was always too active churning away thinking about something. Unfortunately, not much has changed on that front I'm afraid, with even more to ponder now! Hopefully in a couple of months' time, I will look back on this blog and think how silly it was for me to lose hours and hours of sleep over just a few small changes.