Last Thursday, I/we suffered what felt like a massive setback, after I had another seizure. I obviously cannot remember any of it, as you'd expect, but my amazing girlfriend Amy had to go through it all, on her own, which I just feel horrendously guilty about. I've put her through so much already in this last year and this feels like another smack in the face for her.
Just the day before, Wednesday, I posted a blog about regaining some of my independence, as we were/are making some big strides in the right direction. So this feels like a huge step backwards, which Amy and I are absolutely devastated about.
All I can remember about it all is just my entire body moving, or being forced to move to the left-hand side while we were sat in Amy's car; Amy tells me some kind Samaritans saw our struggles, and came to our rescue; checking we were okay, and calling us an ambulance, which just sounds like the most incredible act of generosity ever; I cannot express my complete and utter gratitude to these strangers.
The next thing I can remember is being in hospital (again!); we have got far too used to hospitals during this torrid time. My muscles and limbs felt incredibly sore afterwards, like I'd done a heavy gym workout, such was the effect on my body of the seizure. But also the real life gym sessions I had done that day. Amy tells me it took much longer than before for me to come round and to even recognise her voice or face straight after. I cannot imagine how hard this was for her. Sometimes I am thankful for my memory loss, I can live without constant reminders. Amy, my family and her family can rememberer everything. Every detail of ICU, every day of visiting different hospitals for over half a year. My memories of this time are only stories I have been told, obviously edited, so as not to scare me even further.
I always try to stay positive through these blogs and in my day-to-day life but I must admit I have struggled with this bright-side way of thinking this last week. The saddest thing about the timing of this seizure is for the first time in nearly two years, we actually felt normal. It was amazing. We would come home and talk about our days, we would meet for lunch totally unaware of what was coming around the corner. I miss those (almost) care-free days. I miss the feeling of being normal. I miss Amy's first thought not being if I am going to be found fitting. I miss the confident independence I had spent so long working towards.
It has thrown up a lot of old feelings and a lot of anger I maybe had forgotten. The inevitable and forever unanswered question 'why me?'.
I want this to be a bump in the road. I am keen to retrieve the normality of a week ago. I have to keep reminding myself I am not back to square one. Just a few steps back.